On the Death of a Student
When a student dies either expectedly or unexpectedly, students and staff will have a range of needs.
This set of notes is based on experience and advice accumulated within the institution and from relevant professionals. Comments, additions and amendments are always very welcome.
- When a young person dies, we experience a particular sense of loss and grief related to their youth, their vulnerability, their innocence and their lost and curtailed life.
- For many of their peers, this will be the first time they have had any personal experience of death and, even if they have known death, it will probably have been of an older person such as a grandparent.
- Many students may wish to attend the funeral but not know what to expect. They will not know how funerals are 'usually' organised or how to behave at a funeral. They may never have seen a coffin or witnessed mourning. They may find it helpful to have this acknowledged and to learn from someone what to expect, whether they should wear something special, take flowers, talk to family.
- Many people will want to know how they will feel over the death of someone they care about - we can acknowledge that some of the most likely emotions are sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, helplessness, confusion, disbelief shock, numbness. They may need reassurance that there is no knowing in what order or when such feelings will come and that very often they come, go away and then return. Acknowledging that no-one else is experiencing exactly the same as them, usually helps a lot and that saying they'll feel better usually doesn't help.
- Whoever dies, there are going to be some close friends who feel it particularly, and it is important that they are not overlooked. Whilst we may be able to acknowledge the loss to family and to the institution, friends often suffer without knowing who to tell, or how to express their feelings. They feel marginalised. It is important to identify these friends so that they can have their sadness, their bereavement acknowledged, and be told that their loss is understood and respected, and that their friendship with the person who has died is remembered and valued. And so that they can be offered the chance to talk or absent themselves or organise a special memorial activity. Sometimes the way of dying needs to be explored, the last time the grieving person saw the deceased, reminiscence about the person. A member of staff supporting a grieving student may not know the deceased and this can be a useful way of sharing to ask the grieving student what the other person was like and how they were involved with the bereaved.
- The death of a student needs to be formally acknowledged within the institution - not so that everyone is obliged to discuss or talk or anything, but so that the situation feels acknowledged by all those affected. It is important that relevant staff are told as soon as possible so that they are not left unknowing when students seek them out, or absent themselves, or behave uncharacteristically.
- Sometimes people wonder if approaching groups or individuals will make matters worse - experience suggests this is definitely not the case, that people feel relieved and less isolated.
- One of the most common questions from staff in particular, is, 'We don't know if we should go to the funeral'. Whoever is charged with family contact can establish how the family feels - in every student death at Bath Spa in recent years, the family have welcomed the university's involvement. Flowers and dress code can also be clarified through the same contact.
- Often, sadly, the death of a student makes us realise just how important university, especially Bath Spa, was for the student and his/her family. It is a very sobering reminder that for many of our students, getting here was a moment of great pride and happiness for them and their family and that they invested great hope and confidence in the future. Family often share their hopes and their gratitude with staff members and want to feel that their lines of communication with the institution are still open. They find it important for the institution to reflect with them on the student and his/her presence.
- Student peers often organise their own ceremonies in addition to the funeral and it is helpful for them to feel that they have an area of the whole process which they can guide and manage.
- If a student dies, it is inevitable that their friends may feel less secure, at least for a while. We need to bear this in mind.
- Meeting course requirements may suffer. It may seem tempting to think people are using the death as an excuse, but for some students actually saying out loud that they haven't done something 'because a friend has died' may be the first time they have articulated in words, to anyone, a response to the death.
- Group and individual behaviours and responses will be affected. For teaching staff who, by definition, are dealing with groups, there is no single answer - try to go with the flow. Students will often appreciate the formal acknowledgement, and then wish to get on with the session in hand.
- Practical issues for staff - any Student Loan Company debt is written off on the death of a student. Staff should ensure that the student's records are adjusted immediately to avoid painful letters and communications arriving at the family or student's residence.
- Anyone wanting to discuss further can contact the Student Support Manager. The department has a range of people who are accustomed to dealing with bereavement issues. We will be as interventionist or not as people want.
A student who is grieving may seem to need referral to the Student Support Service - if at all possible, phone us while they are in the room so that we can make some definite arrangements with them. Student may not have the energy or courage to pick up the phone later. Not necessarily an inviting prospect sharing your sadness with a complete stranger
If you have any comments on these notes or would like to discuss further, do get in contact.